Reflections

One of the hardest things I had to do the past couple of days was map out my action plan for 2007/2008. Having just left a love-hate relationship of 4 years with one of New England's prestigious liberal arts schools, it was time to reflect. Sounds exciting, I wish it were. That relationship had its A days, and its not-so great days. This 4 yr husband of mine cheated on me with such things as Organic Chemistry and Neurophysiology, showered me with gifts in the form of scholarships and awards, made me cry in the form of affecting my friendships and snatching me away from my family, seriously zapping me out of any comfort zone of sorts. But yes, we had some good days, albeit the many nights of endless crying ... And our divorce settlement was final on May 27 07. All I got out of it was a piece of paper with my name on it!

4 years was a long time, though short at the same time. This summer has been ... wow, I don't even know how to describe it. It's been great, in its own regard. I guess, alot of things happen on a daily basis that it leaves me wondering whats next. Maybe it's exciting...maybe not, sometimes U like to have that security and that plan. I love it here though...i could see myself here for the next couple of years...In the month I've been here already, I've met some pretty amazing people that have taught me alot, in some of the best, and worst, ways possible. Isn't that the story of my life ...

Sitting down with pen in hand, I had to criticize myself the past couple of days, right down to the T. And I had to put it on paper to read over, and over, and over, and over, again. There's nothing harder than to tell yourself the things u try not to face. Opening up the closet and doing all the laundry I've been dumping in there for a while...Anyway, it feels good. Ish. I know what I need to do to become a better person, I know the things I've done that I should not do again, the things I have yet to do,and do more, the things I'm yet to excel at and the failures I still need to face. I know the tears I'm yet to cry...I'm ready for them. I know there's more laughter to follow, I'm ready..I know my weaknesses, and wow, there are many. I'm my own best friend, and yet my worst critic! Its strange...I detest criticizing myself, Sometimes I like to think I'm the world's greatest. Sometimes I realize that I am. Or not. :-/

So now, thankfully, the document is done and it's hiding somewhere where I can't revisit it. The power of it though, is I remember every word. I know that even though it was hard to tell myself the things I did, now, its half the stress I have to go through when people say it to my face...Sigh. Life is some way...it really is. Sometimes I just want to throw myself infront of a moving train, or scream until my lungs can't handle it. But the truth of the matter is there's always something bigger...something better. That's how Im here, not there. That's why I'm me, not you....

I think I'm ready for the next big thing.